Monthly Archives: May 2012

Church Raiders


Our church. A place of innocence and holiness, the very house of God Himself was invaded last week. Invaded by the worst type of people, scoundrels, you know who I mean.
But these particular kind were intelligent, they knew what they were doing, they had it down to a T. Sneaking in, like silent ninja’s, in the middle of the day, in broad daylight and full view of the public eye, with a baseball bat. School boy error number 1.
Now, one has the potential to cause a lot of damage with a baseball bat and a sidekick…
So after achieving near invisibility when entering the church, they hunted around until they found all the master keys for each room in the church. Just think what you can do with all those keys; all the secrets and surreptitious entities that lie behind each door. All the possibilities. What would you do with all the keys to to a large church? Keep them for future reference? use them to take locked up and valuable goods? Or follow the example of our friends… Yes, they took each key off it’s key ring and placed one on each table of the coffee room taking only the key to the heating. What exactly was going through their minds – “I have a baseball bat and I have no idea how to use it, so I know, I’ll use the power of overheating to my advantage, that’s bound to cause some damage”??
And you know youths of today, spending all their time drinking and causing havoc, getting drunk with their friends on a Friday night. Well maybe they were looking for communion wine, I can’t be sure. However, being in a Methodist church they were unsuccessful and so decided to steal the milk instead. I bet it was some party that night.
And if they didn’t get enough satisfaction utterly destroying the church, they left all the lights on, destroying the whole world in the process thanks to their significant contribution to global warming. If only they could give that kind of contribution to the Sunday morning collection instead.
So to those people, thanks for visiting God’s holy place and from all at the Methodist Church we hope you felt Jesus’ love for you in the process. Do come again, however next time, could you please leave the milk; awkward coffee lady was most unimpressed. Many thanks 🙂


Glass door…we’ve all done it


I really need to stop saying “how stupid can you get?”, I think my dog took it as a bit of a challenge. We’re having a new conservatory built and slowly but surely more and more has been added each time the builders arrived starting with the brickwork and step followed by the framework. Now, my dog is quite the gymnast and enjoys all kinds of agility and so instead of walking through the empty door, he decided to jump through the door frame over the step each time, quite a clever trick.
Today the glass was added.
The new, clear and pristine glass was added to all of the windows and of course, the door frame. Now my dog may be a gymnast but he’s certainly not a genius. So like any other time he stood in the conservatory squared his shoulders, took a run up and leapt. Yes, my dog took a flying jump head first into the glass door, hurting both his head and his shoulders in the process.
He now refuses to step foot in the conservatory and still doesn’t understand what this invisible, metaphorical barrier that is stopping him from reaching the freedom of the garden. Poor dog. 🙂

The Chinese novelty…


…soon wares off. Lets be honest, we all get excited when we bring home a Chinese takeaway, or indeed anything foreign. It’s like a little mini holiday in your living room. And of course you have to play the game, you feel the need to act like a Chinese person and the excitement that comes over you as you hold your sticks with utter determination and conviction and think to yourself; “I’m unstoppable.” That is, until you try to actually eat your meal. It is at this point that you realise that you haven’t magically gained the super power of mastering chopsticks over night. You now come to the understanding that if you are to stick to your determination and prove your will power you, are either going to be there all night, or alternatively, go hungry. So you start the never ending challenge and dig in.
And if you should ever finish this challenge with your chopsticks in one piece and without the frustration of such tiny mouthfuls driving you to insanity, there’s always desert. However the Chinese aren’t big on deserts but they are the only nation I know of to be big on fortune cookies. But in all honesty – they’re not even cookies! I’ve had my fair share of cookies in my life and we all know, fortune cookies aren’t even very nice but it’s not that that that gets us all keyed up. It’s finding out our future that lies within. It all comes down to this. So here was mine; “A gift from a friend will bring you happiness today.” I can’t wait. Lol joke! I’m sat at home watching Saturday night TV, unlikely to see a friend before daylight.
I guess some things were just never meant to be …

Ball Brawl


Dodgeball. Usually I’m a fan however funnily enough the sadistic cannonball warfare I experienced today didn’t tickle my fancy. Now, I’ll admit I’m not among the tallest of people in the world however I’m sure I’m safe in saying that my face height is is not at my peers’ waist height. With intention of inflicting pain flying in all directions I too ran in all directions trying to achieve the common goal of dodging the ball. However as hard as I tried, my ball magnetised self seemed to finish the game with more bruises than an apple in a blender. After two face shots and a bash on  the arm (the kind that really leave a sting), all within the first 5 minutes, some bright spark finally managed to oblige to below the waist  and hit. I then ruefully made my way to the “safe” area. And poor, misguided little me was naive enough to believe this was true, but this area is far from safe. Oh no, this area was for those unfortunate enough to have even their own team mates firing balls at them. As the unnecessary violence continued, I realised we were far from just having a bit of fun. This was serious. This was war. Finally, after being hunted down and tracked by members of the surrounding opposing army, I caught the ball cleanly and made my way back to the danger zone. It was on. I started my frantic search for ammunition and used my height (or lack of) to my advantage my ducking underneath flying balls and taking the occasional hit to the face but without daring to face the “safe” zone again. It was dangerous, it was fear-stricken, it was possibly the end but it was on.


And that my friends is the story of my very last PE lesson…ever, good times 🙂